This past weekend was not a good weekend for sweet”B”
Saturday was not a good day as she was not perky and slept a lot. I laid on the floor, by her bed, Saturday evening as she napped. Wishing she could talk I contemplated how the end would be. Would she just go to sleep or will I have to make the hardest decision in my life. I know she is tired. She has ran her race and what an amazing race it has been. But how will I know for certain what her wishes are? How will I know that I am not giving up and letting her down? Searching for answers online I have done the quality of life calculator https://journeyspet.com/pet-quality-of-life-scale-calculator/ and she scored 5 on everything. However, Sunday brought another attack (vestibular, stroke) I gave her the anxiety pill, 1/2 tramadole and prayed for quick relief. The attack lasted a solid 45 minutes. The rest of the day was total confusion and weakness. She was wobbly walking and had difficulty with vision and depth perception. She had to drink from her bowl because she could not steady herself enough to drink from the spout on the water bottle.
She did eat dinner on her own, out of her bowl. I gave her ribeye steak and rotisserie chicken with a couple tablespoons of wet food. Maybe not a fair assessment of her appetite, who can resist this kind of dinner? She took all her evening medication with little issues (in peanut butter)
As night time rolled in she settled down into her bed and had a peaceful nights sleep. She did not wake at all during the night with a 6:30 am wake up. I took her outside, she walked in the grass to find the perfect spot and peed. Now she is having her morning nap under my desk as I write.
A bit of disorientation still has a grip on her this morning and my stomach is sick worried about what the day will bring. I am really struggling with this whole grief situation. While losing my grandmother is still very raw with moments of tears throughout the day, I have entered into a sort of pre grieving for Bailley. The pain is so intense at times I feel helpless to deal with it. I contemplate ways to avoid thinking of all this loss, emerging myself in endless chores to the point I am exhausted. At the end of each day I am finding being exhausted only feeds into a weak mind that is primed for grieving.
I look at the world around me and stand witness to just a fraction of the horrible things that take place every day. I have heard stories of the unthinkable that has touched so many lives. The things that are happening in my life are normal. It is the circle of life. My grandmother was was old, Bailley is old. No tragedy of sudden death. Life has been lived. Time demands restitution for a long life. How is it those who suffer such tragic loss emerge strong? How do they find the strength of mind to live a normal life? Do you just tuck it away and try not to think of it? Does time ease the pain of loss? I hope in time these answers will become clear to me. In the mean time I will endure and push forward in hopes there will be a peaceful end to Bailley’s story.
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