Its is 8:30 on the day we say good bye. It feels like and eternity will pass before 10:00 will get here. The closer it gets, the more intense the ach in my heart and sickness in my stomach get.
I prayed that I am making the right choice. Yesterday afternoon Bailley had another attack. It was mild but it left her very confused to the point that I do not think she knows who I am. I gave her something to help her sleep hoping she would wake and it would be gone. She is a bit better, not panting and pacing but she is still very confused. I love her so much I want this to stop for her.
I just wanted to sign in to tell everyone who is following and all those who ask about Bailley on a regular basis, tomorrow we must say good bye.
After 16 years 8 months and 27 days of life Bailley will be laid to rest. Over the last couple weeks she has declined to a point of not really wanting to eat. She turns away everything we present her with including rotisserie chicken. This morning she did eat a jar of beef baby food. I do think I could nurse her along a couple more days, maybe even weeks. Is that fair to her? She cannot go outside on her own anymore. We carry her out and sit her in the grass. She is so weak she struggles just to squat to pee, sometimes falling over. She could never find her way back to the door to come in. She sees shadows and hears next to nothing. She has started to wander more tracking her head back and forth as if she is nervous. She sleeps most of the day with little awake time and when she is awake it seems she is in a constant state of confusion.
This has been an agonizing decision for me to say good bye to my heart. I have struggled with, am I making the right choice? If she could talk would she say, “I am ready to rest.” The reasoning side of my brain is telling me, even if it may be a day or two too soon, why wait until it is an emergency situation where her passing would be a big stressful drama with the end result of her having to suffer.
We have a vet coming to our home at 10 am tomorrow morning, Bailley will go to rest in her bed, in her home, in peace.
After losing my precious Nonnie in October, I struggled with living in a world without her. It has been a hard road. I have started to move through life with only her memory beside me. I am a grown adult now and understand how life works. We cannot keep the ones we love forever. They say knowledge is power. Knowing loss does something to your heart. It is a pain unlike no other. A pain that seems to always be in the dark spots of my mind. The pain of losing my Nonnie was a place I was totally engulfed in for months following her death. Now it is a place I only find myself gravitating to once in a while. I am able to remember happy memories of her with a smile from time to time. I am able to function without wallowing in the dark.
The dark place will now hold the two lives I have found most precious and dear to me. I am there now. Thinking of what I have lost and fearful for how the world will look tomorrow at this time. The only comfort is my happy memories of felling love so deeply, so unconditional.
So just as I thought a week or so ago, Bailley is now going through a good time. She is wagging her tail when I come home, eating all her meals, she potties outside, even going out and in by herself. We are now 12 days from 16.5 years old. Two years ago, I would have never thought she would make it to 14 much less 16.5. When you get this old half years matter!!
Bailley’s issues at this point in the game are:
- She has hypothyroidism – controlled with meds
- Cushings – controlled with meds
- heart disease with a grade 5 murmur
Her symptoms are –
- hearing loss
- her vision is very limited. Im thinking she only sees shadows and light.
- Her right eye has become red and irritated, I assume it is possibly dry eye starting. I am controlling it very well with Genteal Severe Dry Eye relief lubricant.
- She coughs when she wakes up and off and on throughout the day
- Seems confused if you wake her. Like it takes her time to wake up
- Gassy with panting and discomfort at times – controlled with meds
On the positive side –
- Her skin looks great
- hair is full and grows quickly
- mostly does her business outside
- she eats her food, mostly unassisted
- She appears to not be losing weight anymore
- She takes meds pretty easy
- She recognizes me and wags her tail
- She loves her snacks and goes to the cookie jar when she notices others there
- She runs and plays in her sleep like a puppy
- She still digs in her bed and cleans her face after dinner
I have her on minimal meds at this point taking only her prescriptions and vibetra plus in intervals. We took her to see Doc last month and her condition was not any worse than a year prior. I have decided with my vet’s advice, there will be no more trips to vet. Only refilling her scripts and keeping her comfortable and happy with some kind of quality of life. All I can do at this point is try my hardest to appreciate each day. I pray she will go home to be with the angels while sleeping.
This past weekend was not a good weekend for sweet”B”
Saturday was not a good day as she was not perky and slept a lot. I laid on the floor, by her bed, Saturday evening as she napped. Wishing she could talk I contemplated how the end would be. Would she just go to sleep or will I have to make the hardest decision in my life. I know she is tired. She has ran her race and what an amazing race it has been. But how will I know for certain what her wishes are? How will I know that I am not giving up and letting her down? Searching for answers online I have done the quality of life calculator https://journeyspet.com/pet-quality-of-life-scale-calculator/ and she scored 5 on everything. However, Sunday brought another attack (vestibular, stroke) I gave her the anxiety pill, 1/2 tramadole and prayed for quick relief. The attack lasted a solid 45 minutes. The rest of the day was total confusion and weakness. She was wobbly walking and had difficulty with vision and depth perception. She had to drink from her bowl because she could not steady herself enough to drink from the spout on the water bottle.
She did eat dinner on her own, out of her bowl. I gave her ribeye steak and rotisserie chicken with a couple tablespoons of wet food. Maybe not a fair assessment of her appetite, who can resist this kind of dinner? She took all her evening medication with little issues (in peanut butter)
As night time rolled in she settled down into her bed and had a peaceful nights sleep. She did not wake at all during the night with a 6:30 am wake up. I took her outside, she walked in the grass to find the perfect spot and peed. Now she is having her morning nap under my desk as I write.
A bit of disorientation still has a grip on her this morning and my stomach is sick worried about what the day will bring. I am really struggling with this whole grief situation. While losing my grandmother is still very raw with moments of tears throughout the day, I have entered into a sort of pre grieving for Bailley. The pain is so intense at times I feel helpless to deal with it. I contemplate ways to avoid thinking of all this loss, emerging myself in endless chores to the point I am exhausted. At the end of each day I am finding being exhausted only feeds into a weak mind that is primed for grieving.
I look at the world around me and stand witness to just a fraction of the horrible things that take place every day. I have heard stories of the unthinkable that has touched so many lives. The things that are happening in my life are normal. It is the circle of life. My grandmother was was old, Bailley is old. No tragedy of sudden death. Life has been lived. Time demands restitution for a long life. How is it those who suffer such tragic loss emerge strong? How do they find the strength of mind to live a normal life? Do you just tuck it away and try not to think of it? Does time ease the pain of loss? I hope in time these answers will become clear to me. In the mean time I will endure and push forward in hopes there will be a peaceful end to Bailley’s story.
This year on 2/13/17 Cody and I will be showing in New York. What an exciting time for Tian Mi Shih Tzu. I invite anyone interested to watch live streaming of the Shih Tzu breed judging at 1:30 on the Westminster web site located at http://www.westminsterkennelclub.org/ There will be links for each breed to watch them live. I don’t expect any big win but it will be a nice experience and we can hope to get an award of merit.
Her biggest birthday come and gone. I have to admit I did not buy a birthday dress this year and did not plan a photo session.
My grandmother passed away mid October and sent a crushing blow to everything I called routine in my life. She was my rock for so many years, I adored her, treasured her and placed her above all others in my life. Those who know me knew I spent the last few years setting aside at least one day a week, most times two, to take my grandmother out or just sit and visit. I called her every night while I made dinner to discuss what road our lives lead us down that day. I told her everything and I believe there was not much, if anything she kept from me. She was diagnosed with cancer around the same time we found out Bailley had cushings. For the following year I lived in a constant fearful state. I was looking down the barrel of loss. Not only my sweet Bailley but also my Grandmother. To be honest the thought of losing either one was unthinkable. Losing both of them was debilitating. If I was not busy with work my mind was lost in saying good-bye to them both.
A video I made for her memorial service
I never thought Bailley would reach 15. I thought she would pass before my Grandmother. Turns out it was opposite. I realized at some point in my journey with both of them that I I was spending so much time focusing on losing them, I was not treasuring what life laid before me. I started practicing every day to take it as it came. I took it to such extent, I cannot plan to far in the future because I am so focused on today.
So today, I am sad and miss my Grandmother terribly. Even though it has been since October, I struggle with living without her. For the first year there are a lot of first things without her. But for me most of all are the phone calls in the evening. Phone calls that were so dear to me. Phone calls that started when I was in my teens. My grandmother shaped a big part of who I am. The waves of tears are starting to get less each day. The happy thoughts of her are starting to creep in. I am not sure if I will ever get over losing her but, life is going on.
Each day brings different joys and challenges.
Bailley is holding her own. Her cough has increased quite a bit and she is more frail as time goes on. She doesn’t hear or see much at all. Eating is sometimes a challenge but for the most part she does very well, considering. The following video was taken today before her bath. Excuse her messy face.
The photos at the top of the page were taken on the eve of Sweet Bailley’s 16th birthday.
I will try to continually keep you all posted on Bailley’s progression through this crazy little life of hers. For now, may 2017 bring all of us joy and a heart of acceptance for what life throws our way.