Its is 8:30 on the day we say good bye. It feels like and eternity will pass before 10:00 will get here. The closer it gets, the more intense the ach in my heart and sickness in my stomach get.
I prayed that I am making the right choice. Yesterday afternoon Bailley had another attack. It was mild but it left her very confused to the point that I do not think she knows who I am. I gave her something to help her sleep hoping she would wake and it would be gone. She is a bit better, not panting and pacing but she is still very confused. I love her so much I want this to stop for her.
I just wanted to sign in to tell everyone who is following and all those who ask about Bailley on a regular basis, tomorrow we must say good bye.
After 16 years 8 months and 27 days of life Bailley will be laid to rest. Over the last couple weeks she has declined to a point of not really wanting to eat. She turns away everything we present her with including rotisserie chicken. This morning she did eat a jar of beef baby food. I do think I could nurse her along a couple more days, maybe even weeks. Is that fair to her? She cannot go outside on her own anymore. We carry her out and sit her in the grass. She is so weak she struggles just to squat to pee, sometimes falling over. She could never find her way back to the door to come in. She sees shadows and hears next to nothing. She has started to wander more tracking her head back and forth as if she is nervous. She sleeps most of the day with little awake time and when she is awake it seems she is in a constant state of confusion.
This has been an agonizing decision for me to say good bye to my heart. I have struggled with, am I making the right choice? If she could talk would she say, “I am ready to rest.” The reasoning side of my brain is telling me, even if it may be a day or two too soon, why wait until it is an emergency situation where her passing would be a big stressful drama with the end result of her having to suffer.
We have a vet coming to our home at 10 am tomorrow morning, Bailley will go to rest in her bed, in her home, in peace.
After losing my precious Nonnie in October, I struggled with living in a world without her. It has been a hard road. I have started to move through life with only her memory beside me. I am a grown adult now and understand how life works. We cannot keep the ones we love forever. They say knowledge is power. Knowing loss does something to your heart. It is a pain unlike no other. A pain that seems to always be in the dark spots of my mind. The pain of losing my Nonnie was a place I was totally engulfed in for months following her death. Now it is a place I only find myself gravitating to once in a while. I am able to remember happy memories of her with a smile from time to time. I am able to function without wallowing in the dark.
The dark place will now hold the two lives I have found most precious and dear to me. I am there now. Thinking of what I have lost and fearful for how the world will look tomorrow at this time. The only comfort is my happy memories of felling love so deeply, so unconditional.